george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
