everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
