Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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