Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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