So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
