It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I want a musical about memes.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
