It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
