I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
