I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
