winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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