one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
