How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
