i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
