bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
