i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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