I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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