I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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