sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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