i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize