are you still at the devil's house?
I wanna bring you to show and tell
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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