dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
