Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
