my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The air was thick with penises
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize