dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize