what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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