U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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