I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
