I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
