It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
