Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
