I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize