I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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