I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
