I feel like I'm in dance class right now
just tell him i said nine months
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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