I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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