I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
