I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
