I met the friendliest cop last night
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
