I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
