You don't have asthma, your pregnant
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize