Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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