I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
