I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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