When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
