if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
oh god the rape fog is back!
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
