I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Randomize
