Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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