I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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