mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
