glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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