Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
