I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
