it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
