Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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