I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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