We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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