I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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