i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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