I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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