I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize