she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
