The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
